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mmm baby it's the weekend

It's friday and I'm ready to just let go of everything the best way i know; smoking & drinking, and dancing. Despite the terrible coldness nipping at my skin I am going to bare it all and go out. I feel like it will take my mind off of everything for a little bit and let me just focus on having fun and more or less focus on me forgetting. After tonight I might escape the city for a few days since there are many people coming in for the enuageration on Tuesday. Hope everybody will have a fantastic weekend and I will be back later!

It's about time..

I figured I would finally write my first blog. It's been really busy/crazy/stressful the past couple of weeks. I think I've felt every emotion created, some I didn't even know were possible to feel. It's been a real blur since new years eve basically. It was a great way to start off the new year, reading my somewhat boyfriend's text messages while being half drunk and realizing he was calling another girl beautiful. My heart stopped that night and it hasn't really started back up yet. I can't really explain it, I felt like I couldn't breathe and I wasn't able to hear or see anybody. My feet were glued to the ground while i was frozen in time like nobody could see me. Everybody else was moving around like nothing was going on, that's because nobody knew what I knew and it was going to stay that way. He was going off to college, I was coming home from college, I figured when he left I could concentrate on myself and forget about him. Instead i was wrapped up in everything he was about. Every little thing reminds me of him and Its not fair. Its not fair that he gets to go away and be happy and somehow lose all feelings towards me. He gets to ignore me and I'm left here. Brushed aside like I didn't even exist. There was so much left unsaid that I was afraid to tell him because I knew if I saw him and started talking I would word vomit all over him and all the feeling I was feeling would turn into words that would cut him down and bruise him and make him hurt just as much as I do. But I can't make him hurt like I do. I don't want to make anybody hurt like I do. Instead I'm making myself keep busy and not even think about the questions in the back of my head of if he's really cheating and really playing me. I think at one point in time most people create a false reality to mask what they are really feeling. It's not because they need help but its more for a temporary release of pain that will help them get over something or someone. and when the time is right the false reality will fade away and become exactly what they want it to be.